I spent most of the labor day weekend reading in bed. I dodged a couple invites from friends. I don’t know if I did that because I was feeling a bit moody or because I don’t feel up to a cooler of beers and woo-hoo’s. I never got drunk in front of people and usually passed on the booze entirely when out with people so I’m not sure why I suddenly am wary of social functions. I don’t know, maybe I am trying to protect myself from feeling irritated or self-conscious.
No small part of just wanting to lie around is that my sleep has been terribly disrupted by bad dreams the last several nights. Waking up not at all rested because I spent the night being rejected by old boyfriends, putting out house fires, running from intruders and failing exams is just…very tiring. I get it, psyche!!! I am an overly anxious person with perfectionist tendencies and a fear of rejection. Can we PLEASE stop trotting it all out in my dreams like movies watched on acid??
“My dear, all life is a series of problems which we must try to solve. First this one then the next one and the next and the next until at last…we die.” Wisdom from dearest Granny on Downton Abbey.
My poor sobering brain is trying to get all of its pistons up and running again. We…me and my brain…have been stone cold sober for 7 weeks. I am learning to let uncomfortable feelings wash over me and pass on like a wave out to sea. It’s been a bit since I had to tell myself “no!” because my knee jerk reaction to the slightest problem was to want a drink.
The only time I wish for a second that I was still drinking is the middle of the night when I can’t effing sleep or have woken up from a bad dream. There’s a bottle on the kitchen table, if I really wanted it. But I don’t. What I want is to get back to the business of solving my problems like a functional adult. I can’t do that if I’m drinking. So I must have faith that this jacked up sleep pattern is temporary. Don’t fight it, don’t fear it, don’t cling to it. Let it pass by and believe that it will not drown me.
Sober kitten is tired and bit upside down but sober kitten is sober. And happy to be.