Today I did things. Things neglected while I was filling my off time with beer and wine and vodka. I took precious puppy to vet for a dental cleaning and a neuter. He wasn’t neutered when I found him and I could never sort out whether it would be better to do it or leave him intact. I finally bothered to read up on it and decided to have him fixed to avoid hormone driven cancers.
And his teeth were so dirty, I was so embarrassed. I should have had a dental done two years ago. I had to remind myself that I love him more than I’m embarrassed and just take him in. But good news, it was cosmetic and he has noooooo gum disease and all his teeth are healthy. The vet remarked on what a sweet dog he is and what a good dog mommy I am. Whew! I guess even as a drunk, I’m a dog loving drunk. I choose at this time not to dwell on my need for validation from the veterinarian. I’ll table my validation issues to another day. Today my doggie has not been permanently damaged by my detour into irresponsible behavior. This makes me happy.
While I was waiting to be able to pick him up, I got the inspiration to clean up around here a little bit. I’m sure anyone reading this is not shocked to hear that drunk folk are not often all that interested in cleaning and organizing. Hence this house is a mess. I have actual unpacked boxes from moving in two years ago. I have known that this beautiful house is a mess and requires attention since I sobered up but I was overwhelmed by where to start. And I have issues with “if I can’t do it perfectly then fuck it.” Apply that to all aspects of my life and you can see how anxiety often intersects with perfectionism.
Today, though, I guess I was ready to get out of bed and get started. I cleaned my living room. Not perfectly. There is mail that needs sorting and I need to polish the floor. But I got it where it’s not screaming “drunk girl resides here!” Drunk Girl no longer resides here and I feel good about what I got done in an hour of work. This is a hard-won change in thinking. It is my nature to look at the imperfect job and feel defeated and carry that feeling of defeat into the next time I try to get back to it. Very self-defeating. I am trying so hard to stop defeating myself.
I have made a little hospital bed for precious puppy beside my bed. He has a cot-like bed that he’s never paid any attention to but since he’s not supposed to jump a lot after surgery I moved it in beside my bed and put his big pillow on it. Fits perfectly. He got right on it. I figure it also reduces the distance from floor to the people bed too. He did good hopping down from big bed to little bed and then down to floor. A staircase of beds! He’s snoozing on his little hospital bed. I feel so happy that I got him taken care of AND cleaned the living room. Such little things but they were apparently nearly impossible when I was drinking. I won’t even tell the tale of the bananas I put in the stove as storage and forgot about. *shivers* Onward. Upward.