If I ever string together four good days in a row, I might throw myself a victory parade. I am writing at this moment because I am overcome by anxiety. Heart beating fast, arms tingling, feeling of impending doom…if hadn’t worked cardiovascular icu I would be guessing stroke or heart attack. Mind racing. All I see are problems that I don’t know how to fix and sure as hell can’t fix at ten o’clock at night. There is so much to do. I feel quite alone and overwhelmed. Even on an anonymous blog I will not give the details as to why the person who understands this part of me the most is totally inappropriate to reach out to. So…I blog into the freakin ether.
I would prefer to drink this feeling off except that I don’t really want to be drunk. I don’t want to wake up at 2 in the morning with rebound anxiety. I have to work in the morning anyway so I could only have one and one wouldn’t be enough to stop this panic. I wish I could rewind my life 5 years. That is useless wishing, all I can do is go forward. Forward feels dark and scary. My kingdom for a properly functioning brain chemistry.
PS story of my life….work got off to an awful start. Also even on an anonymous blog I can’t give an details to that. On top of HIPPA my job requires security clearance. The last thing I need is the feds on my ass for spilling secrets lol. I realize the last three sentences make me sound like a paranoid schizophrenic but it’s not as cloak and dagger as it sounds. Anyway, nobody died or even flirted with The Reaper. Just a horrible person doing horrible things and by 0800 I had to give the wheel to Jesus. And I got through a very trying day in absolute calm. Multitasking like I had 8 arms and 4 brains. All the flaming batons in the air, running it all like a well oiled machine. And within in an hour of getting home I am fighting a panic attack over what started with not being sure if that floorboard has always been creaky and it snowballed from there.
When I started seeing a psychiatrist a year ago he marveled at how my work life is under total control because apparently a lot of people go in when they are having trouble keeping up with work. Not me. At the nadir of my despair, glowing performance reviews. I will hold it together for work and let my actual life go to hell. Not just hold it together, perform exceptionally well. I have just never seen it so clearly as today. Had work on lock. Was home an hour and am completely overwhelmed by my life. When the room is on REAL fire, I’m your girl. If the floorboard creaks and the cat looks too skinny, I am incapacitated by anxiety.
This really got started last night. I went to bed so pleased with myself and my progress handling life and then I dreamed that Joan Crawford sexually assaulted me and there were giant rats in my house. I mean…really? What??? So I woke up kind of unsettled from the batshit crazy nightmare. And I also had to put it out of my mind that my dog has fresh stitches in his former scrotum and just hope the life-preserver stayed around his neck while I was gone. And I performed exceptionally. At managing everyone else’s problems.
I hate this. I hate my anxious disposition, I hate that I drank too much and managed exactly zero percent of MY business and now I’m sitting in a huge mess both of the metaphorical and literal variety. I hate that my dishwasher is broken or malfunctioning, who the hell knows. I hate that my trees need to be cut back. I hate that I have to go to work tomorrow. I hate that there is nothing I can swallow to feel better. I hate that I have to feel all the damned feelings and I hate that they suck extra hard because they’ve been asleeeeep for 4 years. I think that about covers it.
I love my mother and my brother and I am grateful they are both alive. I love my dog and my cat. I am grateful that I am not homeless. I am grateful my little granny is still alive and that I will see her at least one more time because I’m going home to visit. I am grateful that I haven’t been drinking for over two months. I am….nope, that’s all I’ve got for now.
Please let this panic pass on by. Please don’t dream crazy bad dreams. Please let me get it the fuck together.