If I ever string together four good days in a row, I might throw myself a victory parade. I am writing at this moment because I am overcome by anxiety. Heart beating fast, arms tingling, feeling of impending doom…if hadn’t worked cardiovascular icu I would be guessing stroke or heart attack. Mind racing. All I see are problems that I don’t know how to fix and sure as hell can’t fix at ten o’clock at night. There is so much to do. I feel quite alone and overwhelmed. Even on an anonymous blog I will not give the details as to why the person who understands this part of me the most is totally inappropriate to reach out to. So…I blog into the freakin ether.

I would prefer to drink this feeling off except that I don’t really want to be drunk. I don’t want to wake up at 2 in the morning with rebound anxiety. I have to work in the morning anyway so I could only have one and one wouldn’t be enough to stop this panic. I wish I could rewind my life 5 years. That is useless wishing, all I can do is go forward. Forward feels dark and scary. My kingdom for a properly functioning brain chemistry.

PS story of my life….work got off to an awful start. Also even on an anonymous blog I can’t give an details to that. On top of HIPPA my job requires security clearance. The last thing I need is the feds on my ass for spilling secrets lol. I realize the last three sentences make me sound like a paranoid schizophrenic but it’s not as cloak and dagger as it sounds. Anyway, nobody died or even flirted with The Reaper. Just a horrible person doing horrible things and by 0800 I had to give the wheel to Jesus. And I got through a very trying day in absolute calm. Multitasking like I had 8 arms and 4 brains. All the flaming batons in the air, running it all like a well oiled machine. And within in an hour of getting home I am fighting a panic attack over what started with not being sure if that floorboard has always been creaky and it snowballed from there.

When I started seeing a psychiatrist a year ago he marveled at how my work life is under total control because apparently a lot of people go in when they are having trouble keeping up with work. Not me. At the nadir of my despair, glowing performance reviews. I will hold it together for work and let my actual life go to hell. Not just hold it together, perform exceptionally well. I have just never seen it so clearly as today. Had work on lock. Was home an hour and am completely overwhelmed by my life. When the room is on REAL fire, I’m your girl. If the floorboard creaks and the cat looks too skinny, I am incapacitated by anxiety.

This really got started last night. I went to bed so pleased with myself and my progress handling life and then I dreamed that Joan Crawford sexually assaulted me and there were giant rats in my house. I mean…really? What??? So I woke up kind of unsettled from the batshit crazy nightmare. And I also had to put it out of my mind that my dog has fresh stitches in his former scrotum and just hope the life-preserver stayed around his neck while I was gone. And I performed exceptionally. At managing everyone else’s problems.

I hate this. I hate my anxious disposition, I hate that I drank too much and managed exactly zero percent of MY business and now I’m sitting in a huge mess both of the metaphorical and literal variety. I hate that my dishwasher is broken or malfunctioning, who the hell knows. I hate that my trees need to be cut back. I hate that I have to go to work tomorrow. I hate that there is nothing I can swallow to feel better. I hate that I have to feel all the damned feelings and I hate that they suck extra hard because they’ve been asleeeeep for 4 years. I think that about covers it.

I love my mother and my brother and I am grateful they are both alive. I love my dog and my cat. I am grateful that I am not homeless. I am grateful my little granny is still alive and that I will see her at least one more time because I’m going home to visit. I am grateful that I haven’t been drinking for over two months. I am….nope, that’s all I’ve got for now.

Please let this panic pass on by. Please don’t dream crazy bad dreams. Please let me get it the fuck together.

10 thoughts on “Hello, darkness, my old friend

  1. I’m sorry your wrestling with your anxieties and panic tonight. Even if it sucks right now, I cna see you’re doing the right thing for yourself by trying to work through it without turning to a drink. From one anonymous blogger writing into the ether to another, hang in there ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. Thanks. I’m not gonna drink. I hate that I know it won’t help! It’s easing up a little. It’s just a bit rough with the “I have transcended anxiety! I am one with the universe! I am my breath and my breath is me!” becoming “I fail at everything and I’m never gonna fix all of this. Why did the government ever allow me to be emancipated from my parents?”

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    1. Thank you. I think she was the manifestation of this dude I briefly dated a few years ago who I quickly (but not quite quick enough) discerned was a creep and cut ties. He is trying to contact me through social media and it freaked me out. And it was old Joan Crawford. Just disturbing.

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      1. They had stopped for a while. Since the last time I wrote about it. I blocked him on twitter and insta but when I tried to block the name on fb so many ppl with same name came up. I keep hitting reject on the message request but I don’t think I can block him without opening the message. I tightened all the security on my accounts. Actually I’m almost 41…I probably don’t need so much social media. Jennifer Aniston has none and her life seems cool lol.

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      2. I have never had a Twitter account. And I’m not sure what I am supposed to do with instagram but I like to see what my nieces are up to. I also unfriended all the non essential people on Facebook. It helps I guess. Do you listen to sober podcasts? I really like the since right now guys.

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  2. And thanks, ladies, for taking the time to read and lend support. I have calmed down a good bit. I still feel meh because I still don’t know how to fix everything but I am over the impulse to throw clothes into a garbage bag and run away from home. God this adulting sober (and “drunk adulting” is probably not a thing) is gonna take some work.

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  3. I suffered from panic attacks when I was younger so I feel for you, I know how badly they suck ๐Ÿ˜ฆ The simplest and best thing I go to if I feel myself edging there is to change my breathing making my out breath at least twice as long as the in breath – it works wonders. I’m glad you’ve calmed down now and I hope you’re having a much better day today x

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