Well first, I just watched that debate sober. So yay me!
Today was a do-nothing day. Did nothing but stay sober. And think a bit. What I don’t want is to be a lazy drunk getting fatter and sadder and waiting to die. Not long before I stopped drinking, I was starting to wonder what was the point. That was scary. Thinking that I wouldn’t be upset about it if I got greased on the highway. Not suicidal, just indifferent. To my own existence. I had overacheived on the being numb thing.
Two days ago I saw the aftermath of an obviously fatal car accident on the freeway and a wave of nausea actually caught in my throat. I had to make an effort not to vomit. Not because of anything gross, I’ve had to change socks at work because they were squishing someone else’s blood around in my shoes. It was like walking on my own grave. A place in the road…my lane…where I am several times a week, there had been a person with things to do who became mush in the blink of an eye. I care enough about my life to almost vomit knowing that could have been me. And I prayed for whoever that was because they had things to do too.
So I don’t want to be a drunk, I don’t want to get killed on the freeway, I don’t want to sit in the filth of my own despair. I’ve got the do-not-want list down. What DO I want? My dad told me as a kid that you don’t get what you want if you can’t say it. As hard as he tried to teach me to say what I want and get it, I have struggled with that. Which is weird because when I determine to do something and I really want it, I can go straight THROUGH the mountain to get it. What do I want?
- I want to be sober
- I want to be healthy
- I want to take control of my physical condition and be fit again
- I want to take control of my mental health and get out of my own way
- I want practice yoga again with a real commitment to learn
- I want to take my dog on a camping trip with me
- I want to get my living space organized and peaceful
- I want to treat myself with kindness
- I want to repair some friendships that I neglected
- I want to be closer to my brother
- I want to make new friends
- I want to take the armor off my heart so I can at least be open to finding a healthy relationship
- I want to find someone who can be a good partner for me
- I want to incorporate my love of writing into my life
- I want to let go of guilt and regret
That’s a start. Speak it.
I think also that I’m being tested a bit. I have after silences between several months and years heard from three men with whom I had brief relationships. Very brief because none were good. These are people who made it into my life because I was in a bad place. The red flags were so plentiful they could have been wearing them. I have felt no need to respond, to explain, to justify. I owe them nothing. I want nothing from them. I have just hit “delete” and kept moving on. And one funny text reply to dude who wasn’t getting that no response means GO AWAY. “My 12 year old daughter has been ignoring you and I think you have the wrong number but if you don’t leave her alone I will call the police.” That fixed that. I am so not about moving backward into things that were symptoms of a suffering person. Sod off, wankers. Was that good British English?
Well, furbaby is snoring so it must be bedtime. Tomorrow I’m gonna do stuff.