Yes I did. Yesterday I did nothing except not drink and remind myself that if all I do in a day is keep sober then it’s a productive day. Yes, at first glance this philosophy sounds like the lazy person’s gold standard of excuse making. Except that it’s not. If my day is lounging around with a book and not drinking and not doing a damned thing, tomorrow I might be able to get some things done because I am sober.
So today I did stuff. I turned in all the paperwork on my health insurance renewal. I went to the election commission and updated my voter registration and got the list of early voting sites and dates. Boom! Two steps ahead of four years ago when I couldn’t adult long enough to get my absentee ballot together. I went shopping for games to structure my evenings a bit on upcoming family vacation. I need something to replace my standard contribution of sitting on a throne of snark and wine. I got the oil changed in my car and the tires rotated. Look at me…minimally maintaining my automobile! I drove out to the spa that sells the only soap that does not break out my face and acquired said soap. I went to the gym. I went to the grocery store. I took out more trash and more recycling annnnnnnd got them to the curb.
I get it, grown-ups all over the world did those things and more today and did not pen a celebratory blog to tell the tale. But my life skills had just collapsed. Under the weight of grief, disappointment, stress, anxiety, perfectionism, heartbreak. First came the eating disorder back into my life after a 10 year absence and then came the drinking and then what was left of my life skills caught fire and I woke up in a pile of ash and smoke.
So I am in a rebuilding phase. It won’t happen overnight. I have to let go of looking at other people and feeling juvenile in comparison. I have to believe that as I go brick by brick, I will eventually make a life that is cool to be in. Better than the one I had before. Way better than the drunk version. I’m tearing this shit down to the studs and starting over. Something good has to come from that. It just has to.