So yesterday was good. Today I was awash in a sea of anxiety. Lots of little reasons. No real reason. Anxiety disorder the primary reason. So much I wanted to get done before leaving town. Got overwhelmed and paralyzed, could not start. Total waste of a day. Will be time crunched tomorrow. Speaking in complete sentences apparently passé.
I wanted to have a drink to settle myself down so I could get some stuff done but I knew that wouldn’t help. I wanted to shake myself and scream “you are ruining your own life worrying about shit that will probably not happen!” I tried telling myself “Your life is right now. You can’t wait for everything to be perfect to relax.” I tried telling myself “98% of the things you worry about never come to pass.” Nothing worked. There was nothing to do but keep sober. Which I did. All my other business sits neglected. I still feel anxious.
When I started blogging I thought I was writing about sobriety but anxiety sure has tried to steal the show. Interesting. I have clearly uncovered my primary issue. I knew it was AN issue but I didn’t know it was THE issue. Fuck. It kind of got better when I quit drinking but it’s like it has been gathering its strength to make another run at me. Or maybe I just can’t see the progress. Or both?
I’m trying to just go to sleep and try again tomorrow because today is toast. Anxious, stupid toast. Anyone who prays or can send some positive energy into the ether, send it my way please. A misfiring “fight or flight” center is a real drag. I feel miserable.