Friday night I rushed to a concert straight after work. I ran in there in my scrubs but I didn’t care. I was tired but I wanted to see the show and I wanted to get this first sober concert in the books. It has been a few years since I was at a show without a beer in my hand. As I was parking my friend texted “I got you a beer.” Now I *know* I have mentioned to her that I quit drinking but like I have said before, that did not resonate with many people because so few people (anyone??) recognized I was having an issue.
Me and the concert beer. Bless her heart, she was standing there with two giant cans of beer. I said “Oh, thank you but I’m not drinking.” A brief effort to change my mind was made by my friend who just doesn’t know and I said “No thank you, really I don’t want it.” And the vibe was off between us from then on. She is even more self conscious than I am and I think holding two giant beer cans was annoying. I offered to hold one. I did hold one while she went to the bathroom and I didn’t want it.
I really quite enjoyed the show. I didn’t much care I was wearing scrubs, I danced, I sang (I can’t sing), I didn’t have to go to the bathroom and miss two songs because I was full of beer. I didn’t have to arrange a ride or carefully monitor my intake vs the clock and breathalyze myself before heading home. I own a breathalyzer. I really don’t know why any drinker wouldn’t but I like that I haven’t had to check my BAC during these last 3 plus months BECAUSE IT IS ZERO. Being sober did not take anything away from the experience. Actually I barely took any pictures or video which is good because I think cell phones are ruining gigs. I wonder if on some level I knew I would remember it or was more engaged with the experience and thus did not feel the need to wave a cell around.
I was not hung over so I got up Saturday morning and took my dog to a Howl-o-ween celebration for dogs. First doggie community event he has been to since, sadly, his mommy was hung over most weekends before this last summer. He was a little shy at first but he warmed up to trick or treating. Yeah…I took my dog trick or treating and he wore a cowboy hat and a sheriff’s badge pinned to his harness. At least I didn’t dress him as a bee. He liked meeting other dogs. My next set of days off I think I’ll take him to the dog park. I only just had him neutered last month so he could never run around with dogs we didn’t know until now.
Today I got up in the early dark and went to help a friend with the breakfast her church does for those in the community who are food insecure. I burned my arm. I don’t cook a lot. Once I had to get stitches because I cut into my hand slicing an onion. Today sausage grease got me. In times past, I have come home from these volunteer mornings and thrown back a bloody mary or a mimosa so I could go back to sleep. This morning I went on to the gym. Then to the grocery store. Then I got my laptop fixed. Then I did laundry.
I am trying to get up out of this sober funk I’ve had going on. It is much better than the drunk funk. But still, I have been overwhelmed by what a mess I let everything become. Including myself. I want results fast and I want them without being uncomfortable. Life doesn’t work that way so I just keep showing up and hoping I will get this sorted eventually. When I feel like I don’t see any difference in my life, I remember that I am not drinking and all the “difference” I want to see is going to come from that. The way I was doing things before was a complete mess so this has to yield something positive. And I write and writing looks like something positive. So there we go! I did stuff. Positive stuff. Sober stuff.