I am miserable. I want to get drunk and forget that I exist. I have cried so much over the last week. So much. I cannot believe the amount of pain that this man has brought into my life over the last twenty years. The ten that we were together, I don’t know how often I was happy with him. I was mostly always afraid he was going to leave me. I loved him and I wanted him to love me. I think he thinks he loved me. But mostly he avoided difficult things. He failed me in every way. In ways that make a therapist look over his glasses and say “But…you are such a smart woman. You know that somebody who loves you would not do that.”
Somehow I just gave up years ago on not loving him. I have tried to stop and failed. I gave up. I went on with my life as best I could. Failed relationship after failed relationship, my heart usually sitting on a shelf. Reserved for someone who does not want it. Someone who has frequently treated me with indifference, dishonesty and actual cruelty.
And here we are. He almost died. He woke up and called me. And then as I was making plans to go help him not die, I find out that he has…again…been dishonest with me for god knows how long. So I stay here, aching to help him. But he does not want my help. Who DOES that? Who calls you when they might die and then doesn’t die so they’re all “Oh. Nevermind.”
As I lay here typing and it all looks watery because of the tears, I want never to hurt like this because of him again. I must…MUST…stop loving him. I don’t know how. I am desperate enough to pray on it. Dear God, please let him be ok. And please, please help me stop loving him. It has hurt too much for too long. Please let me out of this lonely fucking prison.
I want to be numb so badly. I want to forget. But I will not hurt myself anymore because somebody else is horrible. It’s hard this time. I am fighting this night.