That’s a big number. Somehow realizing I had not been drinking for two or three days became not drinking for 175 more days. Not really “somehow” more like “I finally had e-fucking-nough.” I had enough. I had drunk all the vodka and whiskey and wine and beer. I had frequented all the liquor stores. I had told all the lies about my drinking to enough people and mostly to myself. I had seen every problem I had grow exponentially worse after marinating in alcohol for a couple few years. I had enough. I was sick to death of myself and sick to death of existing in a sick wasted life.

These last six months have been a time of emotional growth and change so I am not terribly surprised that this situation with exboyfriend almost dying (and then NOT dying, revealing previously unknown to me details of his life) has happened now. I am grateful I got sober before this shitfest. As much crying as has happened in the last two or so weeks, there has been reflection, thought, prayer and growth too. None of which would have been possible if I was still drinking. If I was still drinking, this would have been one long confused night of hysteria, anxiety and desperation. I would be obsessively replaying old hurts and fears with no objectivity. This…this whole thing could have been the end of me if I was trying to navigate it drunk.

Navigating it sober is unpleasant. But I am navigating it. Some days I am literally trembling with fear and throwing up with the anxiety that he might die, some days I am hurt by what he was keeping from me, some days there is a rage that he has made every horrible thing that ever happened to me even worse than it had to be including almost his own death and some days I love him so much I cannot bear that he is hurt. Some days I cycle through all of that in three hours. It is just a big avalanche/tornado/insert-natural-disaster-metaphor-here of feelings and I just keep feeling them. Feeling ALL the bad feelings…fear, grief, shame, hatred, regret…without trying to kill the feelings with alcohol is a major thing for me. If I had only had one or two sober weeks when this happened, I feel sure I’d be drunk right now.

The upside to being 41 is that I have lived through bad shit before and for the first time in my life, while in the middle of bad shit, I have been able to be still and know that it will pass. And know that I will be ok no matter how this turns out. That is a gift from sobriety. To have the clarity to see my life experiences as a comfort instead of as a night terror. I, friends, have endured pain and loss and survived. I have even endured MYSELF and survived. I endured enough vodka to kill half of Russia and survived. I will abso-fucking-lutely endure this too. Somehow.

14 thoughts on “175 days

  1. You’re strong, despite all the shit that is being flung at you right now. I am proud of you, your resolve, and your six months of sobriety. As cliche as it might be to say it, this too shall pass, and you’re goddamned right you’re gonna survive it.

    Internet hugs to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Amazing post! We have to be sick and tired ENOUGH of being sick and tired of alcohol to make that change. But getting sober is just the beginning. Its very inspring to read about how you are dealing with a trauma sober. It must be hard really feeling all of it BUT you are right it would have been so much worse if you were still drinking. Massive hugs. xxx

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it all easier. They say the first year is a shitfest of emotions and hard times. Go easy on yourself. We can see your progress. I know your heart hurts. .. it will get easier. Being angry is healthy- I say go smash some shit.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I have *just* enough sobriety to know drinking will make it worse. But the Drunk Girl in me is still here saying “Oh come on, just one drink! It’s what people DO when times suck! You’ll feel better!” So far I have managed to tell her to shut up and sit down, she’s done me enough damage already. Reading and writing is helping me. “Do what other people won’t do so you can have the life other people don’t have” or something to that effect. Not that I want to be happier than anyone else, there is enough for everyone. But in trying to turn down all the offers of “help” that consist mostly of offering to get me drunk, I need some mantra to help me hold on.

      Liked by 1 person

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