I have been in hell for three weeks. I want to get drunk and fall into that fuzzy suspended animation at least twice a week. I see so much wasted time, wasted love, wasted me. Why have I NOT gotten drunk? It is suggested to me as a solution to my pain by well-meaning people almost daily. Why am I staying sober when it seems everyone agrees that what you DO when life beats the crap out of you is get drunk? Why do I lay here with my stomach in knots when I could float away on a river of merlot?
Why? Why doesn’t he love me? Why did I forgive him the first time he treated me with cruelty and indifference? Why have I spent twenty years with this toxic fucking vortex of soul suckage in my life no matter where I go? Why did I waste so much love, so many tears? Why did I never just change my fucking phone number? Why am I dealing with this sober? Why? WHY? Why.
There are no answers to most of my questions. Accepting that there are no answers is painful and difficult but necessary. I have been chasing his love and approval my whole adult life as if it is the only thing that could fix the parts of me that he broke in the first place. That HE broke in the first place.
But why am I dealing with this sober? Because I deserve better than I’ve been getting. Because getting drunk has never solved one problem for me. Because if I am drunk I will cry hysterically about this clusterfuckery and end up on the floor by the toilet throwing up curdled alcohol and wishing I was dead. Because I will wake up panicked as my spiked blood sugar begins to bottom out. Because I can’t GET drunk enough to not feel this. Because I won’t be able to feel and think at the same time and I will grow more confused and more lost and more desperate. Because most of the previously mentioned clusterfuckery is not my fault. Because I don’t want to hurt myself anymore because someone else is an asshole. Because all my drinking ever accomplished was to cause me pain and loneliness. Because I deserve more than getting drunk every night to avoid pain and succeeding only in creating more pain.
I have lived the last 180 days sober. I got sober in time to meet this bullshit face to face with a clear head. I am so grateful to have six months of sobriety with me as I stumble through this. It is hard enough but at least I can see myself behaving like a grown up woman. I am not drunk dialing from the bottom of a bottle. I am not wearing my own vomit to bed. I am not wondering if there is any reason for me to stay alive. I am not begging anyone to say that I am worthy.
I had a really hard time getting out of bed today. I was tired from working the weekend, it was raining and the super distant text message I received during the night made my soul cry a little. I have no idea what drives a person to make contact for the purpose of being aloof. I don’t know why most people do what they do. I am the idiot who runs around with my heart wide open. It is easier to be bitter than it is to keep your own hope alive. And that really is the difference for me between drinking and not drinking. Drinking is to give up and pretend to be dead until I actually AM. Not drinking is to say that I still hope for years of learning, years of new experiences, joy and gratitude.
Eventually…at eight o’clock at night….I got out of bed, took a shower and went to the gym. Yeah, the day was over. But it was important to me to get UP and do something to make me better. Stronger. Healthier. Happier. A lot about my life is not where I want it to be but it has only been 180 days, not enough time to turn everything around 180 degrees. But forgoing the liquor when I am suffering and choosing to go do something that is good for me instead of hurting myself with drink or vomiting up my food? That IS a 180 degree turn from how I would have dealt with this six months ago. And I see that and I am grateful.