I know, I know…I am mixing boot metaphors. But I am tired. Mixed metaphors are the best I can do. Keeping in mind that I work 12 hour shifts, working 9 out of 11 days is brutal. I can’t keep this up. I feel like I did when I was drinking….exhausted, angry, sad, dragging into the local take-out lines looking a bit homeless, buying milk and pet food at the gas station, face unwashed, not taking care of myself at all, getting isolated and weird. It is very hard to have my few healthy coping mechanisms squeezed out of my life. I simply cannot get to the gym if I am up at 0500, don’t get home til 2000 and have to do it all over again the next day. There is no time to unwind or focus my thoughts when I am stuck in this hamster wheel.
The fact that I feel like Drunk Me even though I am sober is unacceptable. Being this run down and isolated from any non-work related activities is a big part of how I ended up so disconnected from life and myself that just getting drunk over and over again seemed like a reasonable choice. I don’t do well in abusive situations and nursing as a profession can feel more like an abusive relationship than a career. This can’t go on. I haven’t been feeling all the terrible sober feelings for the last seven months to have the same empty shell of a life I had when I was drunk and comfortably numb. This. Is bullshit.
So what to do, what to do? Drastically downsize my financial obligations for one thing. I don’t need this three bedroom two bath house in the most expensive per square foot neighborhood in the metro area. Super…selling a house isn’t stressful AT ALL. She said with eyes rolling. Relocate. Over the last two years my tribe has moved away one at a time. I want to move closer to my family. I feel like I am just getting ready to run again but in truth, this life does not fit me anymore and it is time to make a new one. If I end up living in a yurt making soap to sell at Bonnaroo, so fucking be it.