"These mountains you've been carrying, you were only meant to climb." I have been carrying so many mountains. I have been carrying other people's mountains. Weighted down by a past so heavy I can't even lift my eyes up to see the road in front of me. If I had climbed the mountain and...much like…
That's a big number. Somehow realizing I had not been drinking for two or three days became not drinking for 175 more days. Not really "somehow" more like "I finally had e-fucking-nough." I had enough. I had drunk all the vodka and whiskey and wine and beer. I had frequented all the liquor stores. I had…
I am miserable. I want to get drunk and forget that I exist. I have cried so much over the last week. So much. I cannot believe the amount of pain that this man has brought into my life over the last twenty years. The ten that we were together, I don't know how often…
2016 came to a god awful end. Two days after Christmas I was still asleep with plans to get up early and drive 400 miles to see my family after spending the holidays at work. My cell rang with the area code where I used to live out west. Where my old boyfriend still lives.…
In 2010 I was 35 and I rarely drank. By the end of 2012 I knew I was drinking too much. I had a couple of semi-horrifying decisions under my belt (or my bed?) proving that Drunk Girl really should not have the keys to my life. In 2013 I was moderately concerned I might…
I was worried about my cat for weeks, finally got up the courage to take him to the vet and she just called to confirm his labs came back and he is fine. Just skinny by nature. And spoiled into picky eating. $250 to find out I enabled my cat into only eating tuna and…
I took my cat to the vet today. This involved overcoming great anxiety about the certainty that I would receive bad news. He has been losing weight regardless of how much i supplement his food. I cried waiting and when the vet came in and said "You have a very ssss" I thought she was…
The power is out. Thunderstorms. After Thanksgiving!! So now I am anxious that I will oversleep. I went and bought a battery alarm clock because the one I have is not impressed by the battery and will not turn on. I am anxious that I will be late to work even if I wake up…
So as I was in bed in the late afternoon, the weight of unknown anxieties sitting on me, a voice from deep inside said "Just try. You have to TRY." I managed to get up. Shower. Do some laundry. Clean out the refrigerator and take out the recycling. I went to the grocery store and…
An essay on self-indulgent whining... I miss that puffy pink cloud of super early sobriety. This has been a trying time and I wonder if I would be handling it better drunk. I would be in a cycle of numb and hungover that keeps me from feeling anything long enough to sustain rage or sorrow.…
Nursing Grudges and Liquor 