Today is 90 days without a drop of alcohol. No beer, no wine, no liquor. No direction. No clarity. No magic beans. Three months ago I would read blogs by people three or six months into sobriety and not understand why they weren’t walking on sunshine. The first 30 days I was wrapped in a soft blanket of sobriety. The second 30 days I was excited for the possibilities of life without hangovers and drunken isolation. The third 30 days I found that all of the shit that drove me into a bottle is still right here.

I am nervous. I am insecure. I am strong. I am fragile. I am funny. I laugh at myself a little too hard, my inner monologue a little too biting. I like nice things (well, nice experiences) but I wish I didn’t have to be a grown up 36 hours a week to make the money to keep my financial house afloat. I tried to put down roots but now I mostly want to sell this house and tumble in the wind. My job is pure reality. The realest real. I wish I could still dream a different life. I don’t know what it would look like. One part Janis Joplin, one part Jackie Kennedy. I’m 41. I am still learning to live with myself. I am still learning to let myself be.

In the beginning it was enough to be sober. I was on hiatus from making demands of myself. It was nice. The me that can be a critical bitch must have finally woken up, gotten a shower and tagged back in. She is in my ear. “You really blew it.” This negative self talk is a bad habit. I’m trying to make it shut up.

I thought about waiting a day or two until my mood is on the upswing before making my 90 day jubilee. But the whole point here is to be honest so I am recording day 90 as it was. I’m far enough in that I can’t see drinking anymore and I’m far enough in that I can’t see what’s on the other side.

 

5 thoughts on “90 Days “Just as far in as I’ll ever be out”

  1. I feel like I’m right there with ya. I reached 100 days yesterday and my main feeling was, “huh. well, this is nice I guess. but is that it?” I’m so glad to have gotten off that booze train headed toward disaster, but now that I’m stuck walking along the tracks, I often wonder if I’m even going in the right direction. and where the hell is my knapsack?!

    Anyway, I just wanted to write to say that (I think) what you’re feeling is totally normal. And regardless of whether 90 days feels like rainbows shooting out of your butt or like just any other day, you’re awesome for having made it this far. These first few months are definitely not easy. Congratulations πŸ™‚

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  2. I am so glad you posted. You didn’t for a minute and I was wondering. I’m selling my house and getting the hell out of dodge. I’ve been hemming and hawing about it for at least three years. It’s time. It’s now. It feels weird but good. I’m proud of you and congrats! It is no small feat.

    Like

    1. It’s nice to be noticed! Thank you. I don’t *have* to write instead of drink at this point and work has been slammed since I got back from vacation so I’ve just been going to straight to bed. Which is cool in its own way…I can just go to bed, there’s no “ohhhh I wish I could throw a bloody mary on this night.” And I felt better today. I have let my hippie diet slip the last couple weeks, could be contributing to the blahs. My appetite is down from being so busy and I’ve not made the effort to make sure i am eating enough vegetables and stuff. I made a point to eat well today and I felt better.

      Liked by 2 people

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