Heal Thyself

My father told me over and over since I was a little girl that if you can't say what you want, you can't expect to get it. In many ways, I do speak up for myself but I am much better at "no, I don't want that" than at verbalizing what I do want. Even…

Solo

Last night I went to a show on my own. Someone I have listened to since childhood. I was happy to go alone, I saw tickets available and did not feel like trying to find anyone to come with me. I don't need to sit beside someone I know in order to grant myself permission…

Alice in Anxietyland

On my 232nd day of sobriety, I found myself pulling the covers over my head and stuffing cotton in my ears to drown out the sound of a chainsaw somewhere outside which for some reason was making me horribly anxious. Aren't I supposed to be running through mists of rainbows living a fully invigorating life…

Nothing

I really haven't much to say. Still sober. Still anxious. Back on medicine for about a week. Face broken out. Feeling fat. Feeling failed. Blah. I don't know. All the shit that I was running from when I fell headfirst into a bottle is still there. I feel sad. And lonely. And I wish I…

Reboot

We are short a nurse and a half at work. A nurse and a half, you ask? Yes. One because...and I'm not making this up...one got drunk and broke her leg (at home at least) and one half because our last new hire from a few months ago is slightly more useful than absolutely useless.…

The Empties

I am really surprised that I am having to make a daily choice not to drink. I guess that was overconfidence since I have only been dry for six months but it *felt* like "I want a drink" was behind me. I had not had a crisis or a heartbreak cross my path in that…