327 Days

And I feel like nothing has changed except that can't be true. I have been sober for over 10 months. I am face to face with an anxiety disorder that I am soooooo sick and tired of. Nothing to dull the racing heart and feelings of impending doom. Just me and the invisible tiger that…

Heal Thyself

My father told me over and over since I was a little girl that if you can't say what you want, you can't expect to get it. In many ways, I do speak up for myself but I am much better at "no, I don't want that" than at verbalizing what I do want. Even…

Solo

Last night I went to a show on my own. Someone I have listened to since childhood. I was happy to go alone, I saw tickets available and did not feel like trying to find anyone to come with me. I don't need to sit beside someone I know in order to grant myself permission…

Alice in Anxietyland

On my 232nd day of sobriety, I found myself pulling the covers over my head and stuffing cotton in my ears to drown out the sound of a chainsaw somewhere outside which for some reason was making me horribly anxious. Aren't I supposed to be running through mists of rainbows living a fully invigorating life…

Nothing

I really haven't much to say. Still sober. Still anxious. Back on medicine for about a week. Face broken out. Feeling fat. Feeling failed. Blah. I don't know. All the shit that I was running from when I fell headfirst into a bottle is still there. I feel sad. And lonely. And I wish I…

Reboot

We are short a nurse and a half at work. A nurse and a half, you ask? Yes. One because...and I'm not making this up...one got drunk and broke her leg (at home at least) and one half because our last new hire from a few months ago is slightly more useful than absolutely useless.…