Last night I went to a show on my own. Someone I have listened to since childhood. I was happy to go alone, I saw tickets available and did not feel like trying to find anyone to come with me. I don’t need to sit beside someone I know in order to grant myself permission to be seen in public. Anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever done that. I’ll go to the movies alone but not a performance. The last concert I went to with a friend just to have someone to go with, I’d have been happier on my own. I was sober and into the music and also holding my friend’s beers while she stood in line for the bathroom.
Sober, by myself, surrounded by strangers singing songs we have all known for decades. It was so moving, I was swept along in various emotions. Laughing, crying, free of self consciousness. The random man in the seat beside me leaned over at intermission to say “You have the best laugh.” Having spent a few years trying to stay numb to most feelings, I took a moment to absorb that. I went to a concert alone, was sober and a stranger noticed my engagement with the experience.
I have to find that on the regular. Connectedness to life in the present moment. Losing interest in my own life is how I fell so far down in the ditch. Drinking was how I tried to fix the problem but it was not the original problem. Oh it brought new problems. But it was not problem zero. I am starting to see the drinking as a symptom.