I am miserable. I want to get drunk and forget that I exist. I have cried so much over the last week. So much. I cannot believe the amount of pain that this man has brought into my life over the last twenty years. The ten that we were together, I don’t know how often I was happy with him. I was mostly always afraid he was going to leave me. I loved him and I wanted him to love me. I think he thinks he loved me. But mostly he avoided difficult things. He failed me in every way. In ways that make a therapist look over his glasses and say “But…you are such a smart woman. You know that somebody who loves you would not do that.”

Somehow I just gave up years ago on not loving him. I have tried to stop and failed. I gave up. I went on with my life as best I could. Failed relationship after failed relationship, my heart usually sitting on a shelf. Reserved for someone who does not want it. Someone who has frequently treated me with indifference, dishonesty and actual cruelty.

And here we are. He almost died. He woke up and called me. And then as I was making plans to go help him not die, I find out that he has…again…been dishonest with me for god knows how long. So I stay here, aching to help him. But he does not want my help. Who DOES that? Who calls you when they might die and then doesn’t die so they’re all “Oh. Nevermind.”

As I lay here typing and it all looks watery because of the tears, I want never to hurt like this because of him again. I must…MUST…stop loving him. I don’t know how. I am desperate enough to pray on it. Dear God, please let him be ok. And please, please help me stop loving him. It has hurt too much for too long. Please let me out of this lonely fucking prison.

I want to be numb so badly. I want to forget. But I will not hurt myself anymore because somebody else is horrible. It’s hard this time. I am fighting this night.

22 thoughts on “Please let me stop loving him”

  1. Sending you hugs. xxx You can get through this, just dont drink it will make all that pain worse…If you are evenr interested there is something called ‘the work’ by Byron katie which really helps me escpecially with relationship things. Wait till you are ready through. xxx

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    1. Thanks. I banged out a blog entry instead of a bottle of vodka. I am embarrassed to speak these things but I was sort of fighting the desire to blot it all out with alcohol by just “fuck it all, let’s shine a light on this shit.” *sigh*
      Ashamed but sober

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  2. I read something the other day that said just because we have forgiven someone doesn’t mean that we have to have a relationship with them.
    It seems like he struck that empty part that he never would, could or had any desire to fill. Praying is good- giving all of your pain away is good.
    I’m so sorry you are in so much pain- I can feel it through my screen. And as you’ve said drinking won’t make it better or change anything.
    Sending you love and a big cyber hug!

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  3. Don’t be embarrassed. Your words are so heartfelt.
    It’s easy to say he doesn’t deserve you…because it’s true.

    Delete his number. Tell him to never contact you again. And take care of your heart.

    Don’t drink. Keep writing. We all love you.

    Anne

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  5. I’ve been in love with a guy like that…. he hasn’t had a horrible accident though but other stuff has happened that he would reach out when he was in pain. I get it. I wish I could tell you when the end comes but I do believe it’s because I am finally there and it is the end now. I still care about him but I am not attached to the fear that he is going to leave me anymore. How about seeing a therapist? Help support you work through this, it has helped me a ton. It took a long time. But now I can see that it is his shit and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it and I deserve better.

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  6. Your words are so honest and heartfelt and I’m so glad that you came here to write instead of picking up the bottle. Sometimes there seems to be no rhyme or reason to who we are drawn to and have a hard (or impossible) time moving on from. It’s terrible when that person hurts us, over and over again. I hope that you find the inner peace and strength to accept it/him for what it/he brought to you, thank it/him for the lessons it/he taught you, and gracefully say goodbye to that chapter in your life with peace and dignity. ❤

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  7. I went through a really bad breakup and it took me a while to get over it. I had so much hope for us. block him on everthing and pray hard. who cares if you cry every day, its great for the soul. You will get through this!!

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  8. I have a smart, darling single friend who got hurt by a man in a situation like you described.
    Once she was able to let go, she has been so much happier, as he brought her so much pain.
    Do not be embarrassed. Life deals us tough things.
    I am so glad you didn’t drink.
    xo
    Wendy

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